12 gifts of Christmas for the tech industry’s newsmakers

From Sony to the CRTC, everyone deserves a little something something at this time of year.

dennis rodman, 12 gifts

12 gifts:

We often forget that newsmakers are people too – and darn it, at this time of year, everyone deserves a little something underneath the tree.

In the spirit of the 12 days of Christmas, here are a suggested 12 gifts for some of the biggest newsmakers of the year in the realm of technology.

For Sony: Dennis Rodman’s phone number, so he can teach the company how to get along with North Korea.

For GamerGaters: sharp spankings by their mothers and lessons on how to respect women.

For copyright cops and Pirate Bay enemies: a white flag because, for the love of god, they should know by now that they’ll never stop piracy, which is only improving while they’re busy chasing smoke (Popcorn Time, anyone?).

For supposed Netflix rivals such as Shomi and CraveTV: subscribers. They’re going to need them to pay off all that expensive content they have acquired. And they’re not going to get many subscribers with all the restrictions and limitations they have so far.

For the Canadian government: the realization by someone – anyone – that the United States isn’t anyone’s broadband or wireless role model.

For Europeans: cervical collars to help with the whiplash many are feeling for their new leaders’ backwards views on several digital issues, such as net neutrality.

For the U.S. Federal Communications Commission: the ability to identify telecom industry rhetoric, like not investing in networks if net neutrality rules are passed, for what it is – pure BS.

For Canada’s Competition Bureau: a blessed clue when it comes to internet issues, the absence of which was proven during recent CRTC hearings on wholesale broadband.

For the CRTC: some dignity after its emasculation at the hands of Netflix and Google at this fall’s TV hearings. But seriously, a unified telecom and broadcast act would also be nice so the regulator could do its job without being years behind in the whack-a-mole game it’s playing with Canada’s vertically integrated behemoths.

For Canada’s vertically integrated behemoths: the mint. They’re already masters of vertical integration and capturing an increasing share of peoples’ wallets, so why can’t they just make the actual money while they’re at it? Efficiency. They’re already half-way there.

For tech press and analysts: the understanding that just because something is new doesn’t mean people want it. Here’s looking at you, wearables.

For everyone: chill pills. We’re still digesting the internet, mobile and social revolutions and we’re in the early stages of the robot revolution. Things are changing, but there’s no need to freak out. The human race has come out for the better from every prior technological revolution, and it will ultimately benefit from what’s happening now as well.

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